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thetuesdaysgirl
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Name: Joslyn
Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
Birthday: 12/25/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: God, Disneyland (Yay! happiest place on earth), life, people, coffee, make-up, kids and so much more
Expertise: Making faces, laughing, sleeping and hopefully theres more, but I cant think of anything else right now.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/28/2005
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| I'm feeling numb, out of sorts, and honestly a little out of place... I'm in need of a good cry, but I just can't seem to access any of my emotions. Its frustrating really... sigh... This week has been incredibly exhausting, emotionally mostly. I feel so small, and fragile. I just wanna crawl in my Abba fathers lap and fall asleep, I wanna rest in the arms of my Daddy God...
Tomorrow is a new week, maybe it will be better.
Cheers,
Jos | | |
| Ask and you will receive
Today God has once again proven himself to be trustworthy, but not in the way I would have expected. God is allowing me or quite possibly has purposefully placed me in one of the most difficult trials of my adult life thus far. Its scary and incredibly painful and I don't like it at all! And yet I truly find myself thankful. The Bible says that if I love God He will give me the desires of my heart, and as you know from my last post the desire of my heart is to trust God fully (If you haven't read my last post stop here and read that one real quick before continuing).
God is saying, "You want to trust me, here is your opportunity."
God is proving Himself to be real in an amazing way. I asked for something, and immediately He gave it to me. And its cool because often in the middle of a trial I pray, "God what do you want me to do? What do you want me to learn from this trial?" And usually I don't feel like I know why I went through the trial until after it is over and its like, "Oh, okay, now I get it" like 10 years later. But this time its different, I know what God wants me to do, and I know exactly what I'm learning. He is asking me to trust Him, and not asking for His sake, but allowing me for my sake. I know that God is working in me, molding me and shaping me, fulfilling my desire to know Him and trust Him, and love Him. He is making my desires reality. Like I said this trial still hurts, and its still hard being in it, but I am thankful for the opportunity to know God more and I'm excited to see how God is going to work things out.
Also in this trial God is reminding me that he is my Father. I am in awe that this great God wants me to call Him Daddy. I'm speechless, but God certainly isn't. He's a chatter box tonight, so much so that I don't want to go to bed 'cause I'm afraid I might miss something.
Shhhhh.....do you hear that?
God is speaking!
Are you listening?
Jos
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| I think the reasons my outside doesn't always match my inside is because I honestly have no clue what's going on in there, its a crazy, jumbled mess of emotional confusion. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm content, I'm unsatisfied, I'm over "it" (it being anything and everything I've ever needed to get over) I'm not, I'm resentful, I'm forgiving, I'm calm, I'm anxious, I'm courageous, I'm bold, I'm scared, I'm scarred, I'm lonely, I'm overwhelmed, I'm joyful, I'm trusting, I'm apprehensive, I'm loyal, I'm selfish, I want more friends, I don't want to be around people... the list could go on for ever. It's chaos inside me and if my outside matched my inside I'd be in a straight jacket in Kellogg Sanitarium (aka Battle Creek Sanitarium, where interestingly enough Kellogg's Corn flakes were invented).
Jer. 17:9 says the "heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" At first this verse frustrates me. If I cant even trust my own heart, who can I trust! And then I look back a few verses to
Jer 17:7 "Blessed is the man that trusts in the Lord, and who's hope is in Him" When I trust in the Lord and give Him the reins, he controls the chaos of my heart, the chaos was all about me, "I" this, "I" that. Suddenly the only I is "I love," I love God and I love people. And when my inside can focus on just one thing, love, I can also focus the outside on that same thing.
The reason why sometimes, well, a lot of the time really, my outside doesn't always do love (and I say "do" because do expresses an action) is because I don't always trust God. Honestly, I struggle with that a lot. I usually say I trust Him, and my desire is for that to be true...but, I don't. As many times as He has proven Himself to be trustworthy, I still have a hard time completely surrendering. Which is so silly! I know all the omni's (ie omnipresent) about God. I know He is the creator of the universe, who desperately loves me and wants me to trust in Him and who knows and wants what is best for me. I know all these things and I still struggle... why is that! What keeps me from trusting Him! What is this thing inside that sometimes I feel like I have no control over, yet I know that I control completely! What does it take to change desire into action?
This is my desire,
To trust God fully,
With all that is in me
So that I disappear from me
And what you see in me
Is the Lord God Almighty
Working through me
To meet others needs
Having His way in me
So it is His love you see
But not just see
But feel through me
And know true mercy
From God who is Holy
The King of Glory
My Sanctuary
Who forgives all iniquity
And loves lavishly
This is my desire see
Lord be real in me.
Amen and Amen
Jos
P.S. I love listening to the rain
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| "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will never leave me"
Psalm 27:10
I love this verse! Even though two people who are supposed to love and care for me the most in this life have forsaken me, my God will never leave me. There is nothing that I can do that will make Him love me or want me any less. I am His daughter, His beautiful little girl, His wonderfull workmanship, created in His image, to inherit a kingdom I cannot even begin to imagine... He is my Abba Father....My Daddy God!
Amen and AMEN!
Jos | | |
| Breaking Secrecy...
What you see is a facade
It isn't really real
And the things that I say
Are not truly how I feel
I want you to be happy
So I say what you want to hear
I tell you that I'm not afraid
When really there's so much I fear
How could you expect me to be different
My life has been filled with lies
If I told you the whole truth
One or both of us would cry
When ever I am honest
It only causes pain
If I told you everything
There would be nothing to gain
It's just easier to put on a mask
and tell you that I'm fine
So as long a I keep smiling
You will never know I'm lying
Abandonment
I was only eight years old
as I stood on the patio barefoot in the cold
I'd never seen my daddy cry
So I crawled in his lap and asked him why,
"Daddy, what's causing these tears to flow?
What possibly could hurt you so?"
He could hardly speak as he held me tight
Then he tried to smile with all of his might,
"She's not coming home," he started to say
"Who?" I asked slowly pulling away.
He wiped his tears and tried to stay calm
"I'm sorry baby, its your mommy, your mom."
"Is she hurt? I cried, "I don't understand?"
"She's fine honey, but she's left for another man"
"She says he'll make her dreams come true,
But she wants you to know she still loves you"
"Still loves me?" I gasped, "That's insane,
what kind of love causes so much pain?'
Again my daddy held me tight
And the two of us cried for hours that night
I thought for sure in his lap no one could hurt me
Little did I know that's just where more pain would be.
I'll stop my story here...Who knows who will read this
And there's no reason to take you further into my darkness
But don't worry about me, I'll work it all out
God's slowly teaching me what true love is about
And I don't mean the kind of romance that's fictional
I mean a true love that's unconditional
I mean a love that surpasses any other
One that cannot be matched by any earthly father or mother
This love I speak of is the love of Jesus
The love he showed when he died to save us
The ultimate sacrifice
The death of Christ
The greatest love
Is from God above
(Okay, so maybe I shouldn't give up make-up to become a writer/poet, but I don't think anyone but me actually reads this....which means I'm talking to myself...weird...oh no! there I go again...oh well, at least I'm not hearing voices...I think most people talk to themselves but just don't want to admit it...any way, I'm so done here)
Jos
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